Marriage, the Ugly Truth

I am 49 and single, never been married. I often talk to my married friends and have a few drinks with them , they said things like "The worst thing I ever did was get married". My female friends tell me that this is not true and that their husbands are very happy, usually after bitching about them for 10 minutes.

One of the best insights into what marriage is like was in the film Knocked Up. Marriage is like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, except it is not funny and does not end after 30 minutes.

Today in the van at work, I had a conversation with Tony (the driver who talks Yankees-Red Sox and Giants-Patriots with me) and Joe (a regular at that time of the morning). Here, in an attempt to immortalize this great conversation on what marriage is like, is the general gist.

Me: So Tony, did you see that Tom Brady got married to Giselle. That should help him get ready for the season.

Tony: Man, that is the worst thing that could happen to Brady. When he goes on road trips she is going to be worrying about him messing with these young good looking female groupies, he is going to be reading the National Enquirer and worrying about her going to these parties and having guys hit on her. It is going to be a big mess.

Me: Gee, all my female co-workers tell me that getting married is the best thing that happens to a guy.

Tony: Are you kidding? It is okay for the first year, then she takes all your stuff, your sports memorabilia, puts it in a box and sticks in the garage or the basement. You got to build yourself a little apartment to see any of your stuff.

Joe: I walk into my house and don't see anything of mine until I get to the bedroom.

Tony: And the bed, it gets made first thing in the morning with all these frilly bed covers and these fancy throw pillows and you don't dare look at it, let alone lay down before 11 pm. You got to buy a pullout coach to put in your garage or basement just so you can lay down for a while after getting home from work.

Me: Wow.

Tony: And TV, forget about watching anything you like, it is always what she wants to watch. You want to catch UFC, no way, you are going to be watching The Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol. You have to buy a TV to go with your coach and sports stuff in the garage.

Joe: Last night she made me watch Ugly Betty.

Me: Now I know who watches Ugly Betty, man I am never going to get married.

Tony: Good Choice.

That was the conversation that took place between 7:50 am and 8:00 am.